Months have passed again without my visiting this place. The world
turns, and the world turns. I have been writing, just not here. I committed to
journaling for a hundred consecutive days, so the words that normally spill
into this place have been diverted there instead, like a river forking,
carrying its water to the same sea, but travelling its light a different route.
And the poems have been coming and coming. My body brimming with them, my bones
humming with their bright particular music.
A week now, since I got the news that my first collection will be
published in the Spring. I remember thinking, So this is what yes tastes
like. As happy tears fell into my beer, as the pub spun. The weight of all
that work, the years of words, the book, there and then gone - fallen out of
its life with me, quiet and small, and out to live its own life in the bright
wild world. Is this how a mother feels when her child is pulled out from that
tucked place under her heart? There it is, after all that growing in the quiet
- fully realised, and breathing. A part of the world now, free of your
body, free of your blood.
I am flush with happiness. But there is also a part of me that is
small and scared. How I want people to be tender with this soft thing I have
made. How fearful I am of it failing, of my tiny fledgling falling, not flying.
Which would mean I have failed, and fallen. That my words aren’t good enough
(and my words are the best thing I have). I need to let go of that sense of
dread, and be glad, only, that my words will exist in the world at all. That my
mouth will not be their only home.
A confession: on Saturday, C and I went to the bookshop in the
city. I found the place on the poetry shelf where my book will fit – after Paterson
(title quote: from "Elegy", by Aracelis Girmay)
where did you learn to write like this? goodness gracious, I could bathe in your beautiful words. I hope to read your poems when they fly into the world...
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely comment, Louise - thank you so much for reading! I will be posting more about the poems when I'm closer to the publishing date for sure...I still can't believe they will be winging their way into the world xx
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