Monday, 20 August 2012

Notes on Change

I took a Reiki course on Friday. I’m still not sure how it all works, or even whether it does work. I was totally enthused in the actual class, and then afterwards, that little nagging voice entered my head. You know it’s just the power of suggestion, don’t you? You know that it’s a placebo, that it can’t really work.

The funny thing is, when I started questioning why I always do that, why I choose to discard things that could actually be helpful, I realised that it’s because I believe there is nothing inherently talented or special about me. Reiki? Of course, other people could learn to practice it, of course other people could benefit from it…but me? Nope. Not special enough. Not open enough. Who did I think I was kidding?

I’m actually getting a lot better at challenging my thoughts. I even like myself most of the time these days. So why does this belief persist, deep-down, that I am in fact not worthy, deficient, a cheap imitation of a person?

I used to think terrible things about myself. I would stand in front of the mirror and list my (many, many) flaws, being utterly cutting and cruel about each feature. My hair (too red, too fluffy, too thin). My nose (too big). My hips (too wide). My skin (too pale). And all of those thoughts built up and built up, and under the pressure they solidified into a sort of certainty, the way sediment compacts over millions of years of pressure to produce fossils holding leafprints and snailshells in detailed permanence.

I used to think that I would never be able to think positively about myself. But I’m getting better at it. It takes time and it takes effort, but it does get easier, and I do tend to be able to acknowledge things I’ve done positively or well.  When I realised that, deep-down, I still felt essentially unworthy, I was shaken. I thought, It’s never going to go away. There’s nothing I can do to unbelieve what I believe.

But when I look back through my diaries, or blog entries, when I think of how my mentality and self-perceptions have altered in just these last few months…the proof is there. I can change my thinking; I can change my thoughts. And, by extension, I can change my life.

We all can.

And sometimes it feels like an insurmountable task - like chipping away at a huge old mountain with a bit of flint. But it’s important to remember that even the smallest action counts. Small changes become big changes over time. Big changes become even bigger ones.

Change may be difficult, it may be gradual…but it is possible.

Sometimes we just need a little reminder of that.


  1. Cheryl - how nice to see you blogging again, and may I say how beautifully you write! Your words are full of positive and inspiring power themselves.

    You are right. We CAN change our thoughts, of course we can! It just takes practice and perseverance. Affirmations are a good start. Have you ever read any of Louise Hay's books? 'How to Heal Your Life' is especially powerful.

    Have you tried any SoulCollage yet? It too, is powerful in creating a most positive self-belief (and a strong one).

    And remember, fossils are very fragile and flimsy things, shadowy imprints - their forms can easily be brushed away and replaced by a more solid true bedrock of belief :)

  2. I really loved reading this, Cheryl, because all through the entry you are challenging yourself. You're saying 'this is what I always do, but you know what - I'm not gonna take my own sh*t this time.' I love that!

  3. Thank you, Siobhan....and you know I love your writing (well I hope you do...)

    I really appreciate the time you take to comment, too.

    I borrowed a Louise Hay book a long time ago but I can't remember if I read it or not...I've heard great things about her writing though, and you just reminded me of that, so into my Amazon basket she goes!

    And as for Soul Collage...I am so in love with it :)

    I'm going to do a post dedictaed to it soon, I think. And I can't thank you enough for the introduction. It's so creative and affirmative and healing, I LOVE it x

    Hope you're well, Lovely xxx

  4. Ahhhh thank you so much, Arielle!!! That means a lot coming from you.

    I'm really trying hard to challenge myself - it's difficult because I've put the blinkers on for so long and / or made excuses for myself. But I genuinely want to learn and grow. For the first time, I really feel motivated to try and be the best person I can be, and that doesn't involve taking the safe path or the easy route!

    Much love to you xxx

  5. "I used to think that I would never be able to think positively about myself. But I’m getting better at it." This is very inspiring to hear... I hope to one day say it in regards to myself! Another great post Cheryl! xox