I
really struggle with accepting compliments. I blush and stutter. I counter the
compliment with self-disparaging remarks as a sort of defence mechanism: deep
down, I don’t believe I am deserving of compliments, so I automatically
undermine them. It’s almost like I think the person giving the compliment is
doing it out of pity, and by brushing it aside, I’m showing that I understand
this, that I know I’m not really pretty,
I’m not actually intelligent, that
this dress doesn’t really look nice
on me.
I
realise that I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to this sort of thing. I
remember talking to my therapist once about my inferiority complex regarding my
sister, and telling her that She’s
everything I’m not. She’s bright, she’s popular, she’s sweet, she’s reliable. And
she got all the good genes, too: she’s
beautiful, she has gorgeous hair. She’s normal height, not ridiculously tall
like me. She has big eyes, big boobs, a tiny little button nose.
Later
in that same session, we were talking about perfectionism and the rules we have
for ourselves, and she said something about the fact that she had never seen me
with a hair out of place, that I was always ‘groomed’. I laughed
self-consciously, said If you think I’m
groomed, you should see my sister…she always looks impeccable, her hair and
make-up are always perfect…
It’s interesting that
you immediately deflected that compliment, she noted. And that you directed my attention, and the compliment intended for
you, on to your sister.
The
subconscious thought under my reaction was not only that I didn’t deserve the
compliment, but also, pre-emptively, quick,
mention your sister so that she knows that you know that you’re not as good as
she is…you wouldn’t want her to think you had any misconceptions, that you
thought you were anywhere near as groomed as your sister, or as attractive as
she is…
(The
thought wasn’t quite so conscious as that at the time, obviously, but in breaking
it down, that’s where we arrived).
My
best friend, Steven, was surprised that I was surprised by this realisation. You do it all the time, he said. Someone will say they like the colour of
your hair and your immediate response is something like, oh, mine’s a sandy
red, really, it’s not red at all, you should see my sister’s, hers is auburn,
it’s really gorgeous…
I
suppose the point is that if a compliment is given to you, it’s intended for you. It’s not necessarily someone’s way of
saying, You have nice hair, but your
sister’s is prettier. It’s not necessarily a pity-comment (She’s so unattractive, I feel bad for her…I’ll tell her that I like her
dress and make her feel a little better).
You
can’t decide what other people mean. You can
decide what you take from a comment: whether you choose to disqualify it,
or whether you say thank you, and
appreciate the fact that someone took the time to compliment you on
something, whether or not you believe it. Usually, whatever you might suspect, their intentions are honourable.
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